Happy Birthday xmwahx

Happy Birthday JP, here's hoping you woke up in a pool of your own vomit this morning!  I've been thinking about him a bit over the past few weeks, not in a way that I miss him, I really don't.  I just quite like the idea of bumping into him and him seeing I'm happy, and more to the point, so much happier without him.

I hope I don't see him.  I wouldn't know what to say to him.  I wouldn't want to smack him in the mouth.  I wouldn't want to brag about getting a new job (oh yes, I forgot to tell you that - big promotion) and my ankle being fixed (no operation - wahoo).  I just want him to know.  I want him to know I'm ok and not pining after him or that he means anything to me anymore.  I hope he's ok, but honestly, I'm not sure I care if he is or isn't. It's a confusing time.  I don't know why I've started thinking about him again.  Maybe this is moving on... I hope so!

"Affordable Housing": if you can afford it!

Having spent three months living back at home, I've hit the ground running with the house-hunting.  I've found a few places that look awesome, but the problem is, of course, money!  I've got a criteria and I'm slowly starting to realise that I can either bend to public opinion and accept the perfect house will not come along, or wait and hold out for the best... Hang on, there's a pattern here - who'd have thought men and houses had so much in common!!

• Space - I need space, places to get lost in. I don't want to sit in one corner and be able to see every single cm of my home.  Either a 1bed house or a 2bed flat, I don't mind which.
• Bathroom with a window - it sounds crazy, but there are a million houses where the bathroom has no window. I hate stepping out the shower and can't see a thing because of the steam!
• Kitchen with a window - steam issue again.
• Somewhere to park - allocated, garage, space, anything as long as it's not permit only.
• No pubs within 100m radius - in my last flat I had a very drunk man decide to run around my flat banging on every window on his way home at 4am.  I thought about getting a BB gun!!

I don't mind about the rest.  I'm a snob (I know, shocking), but as long as my home looks like me, not literally, I don't mind where I live.  I've found one place with a galleried bedroom - sounds strange, but I love the idea of having a balcony inside the house.  I've found another with a spiral-staircase.  Both of these are £10k above my budget.  Then there's the beautiful apartment overlooking an old church (churches either creep you out or you love them - I love them).  It's part of the shared ownership scheme and while there's no stamp duty until March it's a bargain.  I'm in the unusual position of having a deposit, but I can't get a mortgage big enough.

So the position I'm in at the moment: I have a deposit for a really good shared ownership scheme, but the rent, ground rent and mortgage will kill me financially every month.  Alternatively, I need more of a deposit, but can get the mortgage and be better off each month.  The shared ownership scheme is a great idea and I have several friends who are benefiting from it, but they're in couples, I'm buying on my own.  I'm a professional person, I have a good income, a sensible lifestyle, and yet I'm back living at home.  A friend of mine has bought a place and his girlfriend is living with him and paying rent.  Problem is, he doesn't love her, but he can't afford it without her... if I every get myself into such a ridiculous situation, you may track me down and punch me!  People keep saying I can't do this on my own... I disagree.  I don't particularly like being on my own at the minute, but I sure as hell prefer it to being tied to someone I don't want to be with.

I can do it on my own, it just might take a while!

"Friends will be friends, Right till the end..."

“Everyone comes into your life for a reason: some to help, others to trip us up, but everyone teaches us something.”

I’ve got less than 70 friends on my FB profile, not because I’m a-social, but because the fact is there are very few people I can put up with for long periods of time and the friendships I have I value very much.  I want to tell you about some of the people who help me out, trip me up and teach me things.

JP: trip me up!

The love of my life, the one I was supposed to marry, the one I spent months just staring at thinking I was the luckiest girl in the world because he loved me.  Shame he slept with the bridesmaid!  I’ve told you lots (and lots) about JP over the course of this blog and no doubt you’re sick of hearing about him.  He definitely came into my life to trip me up, but he has probably taught me the biggest lesson of all: I can love and I can love unconditionally, I can compromise and I can forgive, but most importantly, never again will I allow someone to stop me believing in the things I believe are important. 

Ally: help me out!

She’s been in my life for nearly three years and is the kind of friend everyone should have.  When I broke my ankle (still waiting for the op) she brought me flowers, on Valentines Day (JP was away) she sent me a ‘mystery’ card saying “To one hot Mumma!”  She’s just bought a beautiful house with her fiancé and however jealous I am (I’m so so jealous) I’m a million times happier for her.  She deserves so much, she really is one in a million.  She taught me that good things do happen to good people.

Lou: trip me up/help me out!

Lou is an odd one; she fits into both categories.  On a good day she’s supportive, funny, thoughtful and on other days she’s selfish, prone to unnecessary lying and a tad self-obsessed.  She’s the one who bought me a copy of my favourite book a few months after drunkenly kissing my boyfriend.  She flips between extremes and the way to get the best of her is to see her at short intervals.  She taught me that not everyone’s perfect and not everyone’s perfect for me, but with effort you can get the best of someone and help them out as much as they help you out without driving each other insane.

Mr Dark Horse: trip me up!

He tripped me up at the last minute.  He was the one I decided to take things slowly with, get to know each other and eventually date if it led that way.  We were friends, he made me laugh a lot and we had a lot in common.  I liked him.  He taught me not to judge a book by it’s cover, but at the same time to always trust your instincts.  2am on Christmas morning he drunkenly confessed he was only ever after sex, he didn’t care about getting to know me at all.  Still, at least he’s honest (if nothing else).

Stella: help me out!

My best friend.  She has spent the past eight years constantly helping me out and putting me back together.  She started when I discovered my university boyfriend of a year was married with an 18month old daughter; she stubbed out my 20^th cigarette of the night, took the bottle of whiskey out of my hand and put me into bed.  She’s been there throughout the JP saga and the family saga, the work saga – she says my life is like a soap-opera.  Eight years on, she’s still my Rammstein-singing, Poirot-loving, roll-up-smoking, Stella-drinking, animal farm-co-creating hero.  The list of things she’s taught me is endless.

Tredders: help me out!

The hottest guy I’ve ever met and his OCD rivals mine.  He has the ability to make me feel like I’m the only woman in the world (let alone the room), I can walk around naked on a fat day and he still makes me feel sexy.  He is my rough and ready, footballing, beery lad, and surprisingly a very good friend.  I’ve mentioned him before, he’s the one who reminded me what fun sex is all about.  We have ridiculous conversations about work (we’re both teachers), sex, friends, relationships, décor and anything else that comes up.  He forces me to watch appallingly rubbish DVD’s and I criticise his dress sense.  We’re frighteningly honest with each other and accept each other for what we are.  He’s taught me how to have fun, how to not take everything so seriously, how to live for the moment and how to be in my twenties.  He’s the sort of person who would phone me and say lets go bungee jumping and for some reason I’d agree it was a good idea.

In return I like to make my friends feel special too and I try really hard to remember the important things.  Mikey came back from travelling very disillusioned and nostalgic, so I made him a book of his blog entries for the year and teamed them up with the photos for his 30^th birthday later that year.  Tredders broke his finger and couldn’t play football for six weeks so I sent him six cans of Kronenberg with the date of each missed game as a replacement/count down system.  Ally was poorly so I took her a posh non-alcoholic bottle (she couldn’t drink alcohol on her painkillers) and a mini real Christmas tree to cheer her up.  Lou was having money trouble and boyfriend trouble and generally felt down so while window-shopping I snuck back to a shop she’d seen a top in and bought it for her, snuck it into her car (I should have been a spy with all my sneaking) and text her as she got home telling her where it was. Stella and her fabulous fiancé invited me to stay in their flat in Ireland for a long weekend, we had the best time, they showed me all the hightlights of Dublin (and the comedy lowlights)!  She loves Agatha Christie so I got her a DVD of Murder on the Orient Express to say thank you.

My friendships are important to me, people are important to me.  It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do as long as you understand what makes the world go round.  You can stand in a room full of people and feel completely alone.  I surround myself with people I love and people who love me, so when I stand in an empty room it’s very rare I feel alone.