So I'm not perfect? Interesting...

The sudden realisation that you are the one at fault in a relationship isn't easy, you know?! Technically, it wasn't just my fault, he had a massive part in it as well, but this is the first time I had something to answer for.

I miss Mr Perfect.  For weeks and weeks I've been so angry with him, wanting to shout at him all the time - I mean really shout, just phone him up and rrrrrrooooooaaaaarrrrrr - I may bust his eardrum.  My friend finally told me I needed to figure out why I was so angry so I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of thinking and I realised I miss him.  So we spoke and I shouted, to my surprise he shouted back - hang on a minute, that wasn't part of the plan, what has he to shout about?? Well, he told me.  Turns out I'd been pushing him away for ages, pretty much as long as I'd suspected the cancer was back.  He said I left him no choice and that I'd already decided he was going to end it when I started the conversation that night.  We talked for a long time and a lot came out.

I took some time out and went back to my friend. "Oh thank god, I thought I was going to have to tell you."  Hang on another minute, not you too?  Yes, she said, I had decided it was over before I'd even spoken to him, I'd been pushing and testing him for weeks and the final shove was cancer.  Looking back I understand why he saw it that way, but to me it was self-preservation.  He told me he didn't expect to feel like this about me, that he was deliberately keeping me at arm's length and suddenly I meant more to him, that he wasn't sure what the future held for us.  In the back of my head I felt insecure that if I crumbled he'd run and that would really hurt, so I pushed him out the door and when he looked back the shields were up, when I realised my mistake he was gone.

I've always wondered when I would implode.  Everyone tells me you can't keep things bottled up, in the end it all comes crashing down.  I've been wondering what would finish me off every time somethings happens; between the miscarriage, meningitis, an abusive ex-husband and cancer I expected something to happen soon.  I didn't want Mr Perfect to be caught in the blast.  Turns out I haven't imploded and I actually feel like I can handle things, I don't bottle in the same way I used to, I'm getting better at life and maybe this is going to be ok.  Now I just need to figure out how to get him back.

We spoke again, he says he isn't sure - would I trust him not to run if it went wrong? Would he trust me not to shut him out again?  He said we're too fragile to do anything now and that the slights disagreement would be magnified - damn it, he actually makes sense.  I've always been impatient and once I get an idea in my head there's no shifting it, but seriously, this waiting is killing me (ok, bad metaphor)!  If we do get back together here are so many things to talk about first - freaking out over my meltdowns (him and me), are we serious or not? no more holding back, being a proper couple rather than two people who are dating even after six months.

Either way I miss him.  I've always lived by the rule don't go back, there's a reason why you broke up in the first place.  But I really do want him back.  I did things wrong in this relationship and for the first time I want to go back and put it right, at least then if it doesn't work I can say I tried my best.  If I could go back to 14th March I'd drive over to his, sit next to him and tell him the truth, "the cancer's come back and I'm scared."

I woke up and it was two years ago.

I woke up this morning and it was two years ago.  Mum has been re-diagnosed with cancer and this time it's come back worse, she has to have chemo for a bit. The frustration of spending the last eight months trying to convince her to go back to her ontologist finally took it's toll. To top this I spoke to my boyfriend the night before her tests and told him I was convinced it had come back, his response was to end the relationship saying he wouldn't be able to handle it if I went into meltdown.  So we'd been together six months and now suddenly it's over.  The stupid thing is he keeps telling me I can phone him whenever I need someone and that we can even meet up ... I'm confused, isn't that exactly the reason he ended it? Well, as usual I'm great, funny, gorgeous and all the other adjectives designed to make him feel better.

So I've made a decision - I'm going to be ok.  If I cry then ok, if I scream and shout then ok, if I calmly carry on with life then ok.  I'm sick of living in a soap opera full of ex-boyfriends who sleep with bridesmaids and run at the first sign of trouble and I'm sick of being told I'm perfect and it's them not me - durr, I know it's you, you're an arse, the only thing wrong with me is I keep dating arses.

Mum will get through this, I'll get through this, we'll all get through this - I don't know how, but we've done it so far...