The Half Way Mark...

So, we're six months in, time to check the progress of Project: Sort Life Out.  On New Year's Eve I said I'd do several things in order to stop messing around and get my life back on track; it had become a habit rather than a life.

Sign up for Race For Life - check! Not only that, but I've re-joined my old gym and I've started running, now I can do 5km without thinking about it.  This is a particularly proud moment, because I've never been able to run, I fall over! Quite literally, I'd get into a rhythm and fall flat on my face. Loads of people have tried to help me (including several gym instructors), but nope, even running from the boat to the bar on my sister's hen weekend I fell spread-eagled on Lymington sea front in front of holiday-makers eating ice cream and enjoying the view... Thank goodness I was drunk or that would have been embarrassing!!

Fitting into favourite dress - check!  The gym bit has no doubt helped with that one.  I'm eating healthier as well; have you ever realised how after the gym all you want to eat is fresh/brightly coloured food? Odd!  Anyway, there's a big important party coming up, for which I have to look and feel fabulous, so the dress is essential.

Holiday - double check!  Best holiday in years (only holiday in years).  Tenerife with the girls was awesome and so much fun. We did nothing but sunbathe, swim, walked for miles, ate everything in sight, it was bliss.  We managed one hideously drunken night (so bad, breakfast was impossible), that involved karaoke and a lot of old northern people; for some reason my northern accent becomes freakishly strong when surrounded by my own kind!

Stunt driving course - not yet!  So this is my next challenge for the summer holidays.  As long as I get all my work done over the next few weeks, I should have a free summer to do all this stuff (I also want to do a track day).  Although, my brilliant brother-in-law let me drive his Porsche 911 GT3RS a few weeks ago, very cool!

All of these have been done over the past couple of months as opposed to starting in January when I said I would.  The first few months of the year was spent thinking what a total train wreck my life had become and why I'd lost the ability to cope like normal people.  On Friday 13th May, Mum got the all clear from her latest operation.  A massive cause for celebration for all the obvious reasons, but also an unexpected realisation about how much her diagnosis had affected me.  I figured that after the January/February meltdown I was ok, or at least working on it, but actually however much you try and get on with it, you actually don't.  You live in limbo waiting for the next lot of results, for the next crisis or symptom of one of us not coping, or something - there's always something.  It's only when it's over that you realise how all-consuming it is for everyone.  I'm suddenly free, we all are.  This has been a big learning curve.  Just when I thought I'd got a handle on it, I realised I hadn't.  Everyone has been so patient with me; I couldn't have done the last 6months without friends at work, friends in life, my sisters, everyone has put up with my random out-of-control ranting about lack of paperclips, falling asleep with my eyes open in meetings, putting my car keys in the fridge (as my uncle pointed out, where the hell did I put the car??) and all the other ridiculously badly thought out things I did/said/thought.  

So, what happens now? Well, Race For Life is in July so I'll keep training till then at least, I'm hoping to finish in 30mins, but that's quite a challenge.  I'll book a stunt day/track day at some point for the summer and take it from there.  The next big thing is saving to buy a house - dur dur durrrrrrrr! I still have no idea where I want to live, but I know where I want to work, so eventually I'll make a decision, that's a plan for next year at least.  Who knows, tomorrow I might meet the man of my dreams, who happens to be a millionaire, own a yacht harboured in Monte Carlo (just missed the Grand Prix though) who wants to sweep me off my feet so that I can leave my job and open the school of performing arts for children and adults with disabilities.  But until then, I'll carry on making my own luck and hopefully, not losing the plot again any time soon!

Don't think I don't love you because I didn't look back, it's because I didn't want you to see me crying.

"When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as quickly as possible."
                           - When Harry Met Sally
You love me.  You miss me.  You think about me all the time.  How can you tell me you love me and be with another woman? How can you love me and be with another woman?  Truth is, you don't.  You may miss me, you may think about me, but that's not love.  Do you remember what love is? Do you have any idea how I feel?  Do you remember when we first met?  Do you remember the first words you said to me?  Do you know I told my friend I've just met the man I'm going to marry?  Do you know that I mean what I say when I say it?  Do you know I don't believe you any more?  Do you know that last night you broke me?

You annoy me so much sometimes.  You forget everything I say, you forget all the important things to me. We can be talking for an hour before you say "how are you?"  You don't wash up until the next morning.  You leave stuff all over the place.  You're obsessed with the latest gadget.  You think salary is a measure of success.  Do you think I'm successful?  You have the most ridiculous numberplate ever invented.  You never commit till the last minute then claim to be a planner.  You're stubborn and will not give up... ever.  You spend loads of time on really pointless tasks.

But, for some reason you've been in my life for two years now and I can't let you go.  Because as well as all the stuff that winds me up, you're also the most generous, caring, thoughtful person I know.  You don't take any of my excuses/lies/sh*t, basically.  You think I can do anything and never doubt me, even when I massively doubt myself.  You make me want to be better.  You put up with my sarcasm.  You let me duck out of awkward conversations until I really need to face them.  You laugh at my stupid jokes.  You trust me.  You know when I need a hug.  Your smile makes me smile.  I can spot you in a bar in seconds.  You make me laugh more than anyone in the world (except maybe, Michael McIntyre).  You're my favourite person to be with.

I have no idea if I love you.  I'm still waiting for the madness to stop so I can get my life back on track and remember my own name.  I know I want you around.  I know I've missed you so much, everyday is like a new mission to stay away from you.  I know how I feel when we're together.  Some days I wish we'd never met.

You told me you love me, then you met someone else.  What? Why? How?  Last night I told you I never want to see you again.  I told you it was self-preservation.  I told you I hated you.  I meant every word, regardless of how much it hurt to say them.  I hope I don't love you.  I hope this isn't how it feels.  I hope it's better.  I hope the man who loves me, loves me, and doesn't just say the words.

I left you this morning and I'm not coming back.  It's going to hurt to do it, but I have to.  I'm going to slowly put myself back together and remember that I'm the strongest person in the world.  I've come through worse times than this and I've been hurt more badly than what you've done.  I've rebuilt my life before and I'll do it again.  I may be on my own, but I'm all I need.  But, understand that when you watched me walk away, don't think I don't love you because I didn't look back, it's because I didn't want you to see me crying.