There's something positive glittering on the horizon at the minute. I feel like I've gone back 6 years and I've just left university (again) and I have no where to live (again) and no direction to go in (again), but while job hunting I came across a position in Malaysia. After two days of weighing pros and cons, I decided to apply for it - I didn't get it - but the point is, I applied for it. I realised that while I have no ties here anymore, I have no ties here anymore, I'm free to go wherever I like and I might never be this free again. It's a strange thing to get excited about, but it's still a valid point.
Last year I set myself some resolutions and, bizarrely, I achieved them, so now I'm going to set myself some more. It's a bit early, but so were the last ones.
- Get a part-time bar job: I need to get out and meet people that aren't the children I teach (or their parents).
- Get mortgage advice and house hunt.
- Find out where I want to live: Do this before the last one!
- Spend more time with friends.
- Join an Am-Dram / theatre club.
I figured I can't change the things I really want to: make Mum better, stop SLT making my life hell, meet the man of my dreams (who doesn't sleep with my friends), fix my ankle, make Mr Barman and Mikey happier, etc, but I can better the ratio of good:bad, hopefully this will make life a little more manageable.
Staying on the positive note that this bottle of whiskey has brought me to, I'll review bits and pieces. I've not heard anything from JP since the night I told him I never wanted to see him again. I've walked past his work three times without fear of him suddenly appearing on the pavement and I can say 'my ex slept with the bridesmaid at my friend's wedding' without being sick. I rarely think about him anymore, it's such a nice feeling. I'm not sad about missing him and I know I don't want him back. I thought about what would happen if I saw him again and my mind drifted off onto what I wanted for dinner; that lack of focus has to be a good thing, right? The only thing I worry about is how I treat my next boyfriend. I've been out with a few guys since then, but nothing has ever really happened and it's never gone past a few dates (and one very drunken thai meal and even then it only involved drunken snogging - I don't even remember it!). I think it's going to take someone very patient to put up with me and my neurotic panic attacks - I'm not even going to think about what will happen when someone says they love me again...
I don't have to see my x-flatmate's boyfriend all the time, everyday, when I get up in the morning, when I come in from work and when I get a drink in the middle of the night. I also don't have to worry about him wandering around the flat in my towel (and nothing else) or bumping into my sister in the same state. Although I'm between houses/flats/sofa's/spare rooms, I only have to put up with the people I choose to (thankfully I also like their partners).
I've got so many projects on the go at work and so much I need to do and so many impossible targets to hit, but as long as I've got other things in my life, I think it'll be fine. Sometimes I get so sucked into work I forget there's a world outside. I don't want to be someone who lives to work. When I love work it's ok, but when work hits the fan, not so much. I need a balance, and I don't mean laptop in one hand, latte in the other!
So, here's to 2012, or at least to the final month of 2011. It must get better - the understanding being that it certainly can't get any worse. It really is the final countdown...
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