I'm not Wonder Woman!

How many times have you wanted to escape to the bottom of the garden and disappear inside your imagination? This is something I have wanted to do throughout my entire life. I doubt I was the only 7 year old that wandered around wardrobes looking for Narnia, but I'm probably the only 26 year old who still does it.

Being a PE teacher with a broken ankle that needs operating on, who's had to move home after going broke to live with a parent she never really got on with, is not an ideal situation for anyone. I'd love to run back to Liverpool and drink during the week while playing my guitar to adoring (albeit very drunk) fans in my favourite pub again. I loved those years, but running away with your teddy and a spare pair of pants isn't an option when you're a grown up.  Try telling that to my over emotional sister.  A year ago we had lots of long talks about how she over-analyses and over-reacts to basic situations (ie 'would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow?' translates into 'I don't like you, but I feel I have to invite you over and if you don't accept my hostile yet superficially nice invitation, I will hate you forever'), this would make sense if it were a text from a serial killer, but not when it's from your Father!  She was worried she was losing her tenuous grip on reality and she asked for my help. I told her to see someone who could help her and talk her through her anxieties. She never did, yet she kept asking my advice and, surprisingly, it never changed. She then threw me into the middle of situations to sort them out for her (ie Dad asking what he's done to upset her and me explaining he's done nothing, then her screaming and crying at him and me explaining 'she's not in a good way right now'). Now she's decided that we're all bullying her and she needs time on her own to sort her head out. While I would certainly agree with this, it is after all what I told her to do a year ago, we have been forbidden to contact her - a message that, ironically, came from our Dad. Having put me in the middle for so long and having had to clear up so many of her messes over the years, I'm now told I'm being awful to her and I must not contact her! I'm a little upset by this. Dear Father's reaction was 'your little sister isn't coping and she needs some time to sort herself out' - yes, that would be the little sister who is 5years older than me, the one I've looked after since I was 6. He then said 'I've got my own problems too' and unleashed the latest crisis in his life. It's tough when you realise your parents aren't indestructible superhero's, but when did they make me one instead?  He said I'm stronger than her and I cope better with life - he's clearly never come across this blog! What my sister fails to realise is that we already have one sister who refuses to speak to me (2years ago we had an argument, she beat the hell out of me and still refuses to answer my calls/texts/cards/emails etc, even though she has made up with the rest of the family), so her forbidding contact as well is going to have a bit of an effect on me.

When I was 18 I ran away from home. I was having all sorts of problems with family, abusive relationships, parents divorce, sister's divorce, life as we know it ending and to top it off I had a miscarriage (no one knew about the pregnancy so why tell anyone about the miscarriage). I found a university miles away where no one knew me and I ran as fast as my little Vauxhall Corsa could carry me. The difference between this and my sister's decision to 'run away' (from us), is that I was 18 she's 31, but more importantly, no one knew I was running away. Still no one knows I ran away. I have a responsibility to my family and friends to not make them feel like sh*t by revealing my life was so awful I left them all. I didn't and still don't want them to know the reason I moved to Liverpool was to get away from everything that reminded me how much I'd messed up, including them. I got my head together and three years later came home with a degree - it was a brilliant disguise. My sister does not have the same responsibility. I feel like I've pushed her over the edge when all I did was invite her for coffee. I feel like I've caused her endless sleepless nights, put her on medication and left her a jibbering wreck! Right or wrong, I feel guilty for not helping her... But I tried to. A year ago I tried to help her and I've been trying ever since. Maybe I tried too hard and pushed her the other way. I don't know and I never will because she doesn't want me around right now. I'm so angry at her selfishness and her stupidity and her lack of emotional stability and I feel guilty for that too. Who the hell am I to be angry at her when she's suffering?

Yet I'm the one picking up the pieces: talking and listening to Mum so that she stops crying, listening to Dad about his crisis, putting my other sister back together and reassuring her she's done nothing wrong, trying not to drive myself mad with the knowledge that I've not seen my three nephews for 2 years (oh and trying not to get fired or put on long term sick because of my ankle). I know I'm strong, but I'm not Wonder Woman!